A while back I asked for some advice with regards to an ex of mine. Your help turned out to be spot on. So here I am again with yet another predicament.
There is a girl that I have known for a little while now and recently become interested in. We go to college together and so I see her occasionally, and have gotten to just hang out a little bit with her. I just asked her out to a major event as a date and she accepted. She seemed to have fun, and while I did not make any big advances (I was just kind of testing the waters) she seemed to share a little interest.
That was last Saturday, and I have since been thinking about asking her out on another date, to see if I could turn it into a more steady thing. There is one little problem though, I just found out she has a boyfriend. I didn’t know because apparently they try to keep it on the low and I don’t even know who it is.
I still am really interested in her, more interested in a girl then I have been in a long time. Should I still try and win her? Or do I let it die, knowing that there is not much time left in school and she has a relationship already, albeit not very prominent.
Sincerely, Confused (yet again) Bro
P.S. Sorry it was so long, just wanted to get all the info out well.
Dear Confused (yet again) Bro,
First of all, thanks for writing again! I am so glad that my advice was helpful last time. Let’s get to your current predicament.
This is a tough spot you’re in. If you feel a spark or chemistry, then it’s usually not one-sided; so I do not think you’re reading too much into it. You asked her to be your date for an event, she accepted, and you guys seemed to have had a great time together. Not once, during this date you guys were on together, did she mention that she had a boy friend?? I am sorry, but WHAT?!? Any girl in a relationship who accepts a date with another guy and does not even tell him about her boyfriend is clearly not super committed to this other guy.
Since you are in college, I will assume this was some kind of formal, maybe through the Greek system, or something to that degree? I think that it is totally normal and fine to accept a date to an event while you’re in relationship, but it should be made clear to the date that you are going as friends and that you have a boyfriend. It strikes me as very strange that she did not mention to you this entire night you spent together that she was seeing someone, which brings me to my next question. How did you find out that she has a boyfriend? Did she tell you after the fact, or did you hear through friends? If you didn’t hear it from her, I would definitely see what the situation is. Maybe she is casually seeing someone, and it is not that serious, especially since they’re trying to keep it on the DL. Usually when you’re in a monogamous, committed relationship, you do not want to keep it as a secret or something that you should be hiding.
Regarding taking the next step with her, I would tread lightly. If you guys have fun together and enjoy each other’s company, then there is no reason to never talk to her again. Maybe ask her if she wants to grab lunch or coffee (something not super date-y), and see if she accepts. If she does accept, then you can ask her if she’s seeing anyone or that you heard she had a boyfriend. Based on how she responds to that, you can decide if you want to continue to pursue her or not. If she makes it clear that she’s in a relationship, I would back off and continue to hang out with her as a friend and not expect much else. However, if she expresses that she’s dating someone casually or that she does not really know where they stand as a couple, I think it’d be OK to tell her that you’re interested. Since you are almost done with school, you really don’t have much to lose by putting your feelings out there. If she responds positively, then you guys can enjoy the time you have left together in school, and if she doesn’t, then you can move on and pursue other ladies.
I wish you the best of luck with this lady! I would always remember to watch out for yourself though. No one’s got time for people who play games, so if she’s messing with your head, run for the hills. Please write to me again if you need any advice moving forward!
E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more questions!