Sex On the First Date?

Dear Becca,

I feel these days we live in a society where kissing has become the new m/f handshake, we kind of take it for granted, nobody seems to enjoy just a nice make out session anymore and usually it leads straight to the bedroom. That being said, is sex on the first date acceptable? Can you still really be into someone after they lay it all on the table the first night? And what is the best way to tell someone that sex isn’t what you are immediately interested in, without sounding like a wet blanket.


Wanting to Wait Bro


Dear Wanting to Wait Bro,

This is a tough question because there is no right answer.  Everyone has their own rules about how long to wait before “going all the way”.  First of all, I could not agree with you more on your first point about taking kissing for granted.  I also find it so refreshing to hear a guy say that!  Kissing can be a wonderful and romantic thing.  I love it when I hear a friend talk to me about the beginning stages of a relationship, and they tell me how they made out “like high schoolers” at the end of the date, and that was it.  You can tell so much about the chemistry you have with someone just from kissing.  If you have bad kissing chemistry with someone, that can be very telling about the future of your intimate encounters.

However, it’s a different ball game once you bring sex into the picture.  When giving my pals advice on this, I always tell them to be sure that they’re ready to have sex, because once you bring sex into the picture, you can never go back to the making out like teenagers stage.  Once you start, it is expected that you will have sex after every date or every time you see each other.  If you’re ready for that, I say go for it (just make sure you use protection)!

I do not want to give a “yes” or “no” answer to your question about whether or not sex on the first date is acceptable because everyone is so different, and every first date is different.  A lot comes into play when thinking about this.  A first date with someone could mean in some cases that it is the first time that you are actually meeting this person in real life, or it could mean you’ve been friends or even make-out buddies for a while, and now you’re taking the next step and attempting to date each other.  I know people who have waited weeks or even months until sleeping with their current boyfriends/ girlfriends, and I also know people who have slept with their current bf/ gf on the first or second date.  All of these people have happy and healthy relationships, so I can’t say whether waiting or not waiting for sex had a major effect on the future of the relationship.

It sounds like from your question that you lose interest with someone after having sex in the first date.  It is important to recognize this about yourself.  If you go out with a girl, and she gives you the green light to have some sexy time, you can tell her that you want to wait a little longer.  Her ego may hurt a little bit because most girls have it ingrained in their brains that men always want and think about sex, and turning her down may make her assume you’re not interested.  It is very important that you communicate to her that you do want to sleep with her (very badly), but you are concerned that you are rushing things and want to take the time to get to know her before you have sex.  If you make it clear to her that you are sexually attracted to her, but you just want to wait a little bit longer before doing “it”, she should respond well.  If she guilt trips you about it or makes you feel like a “wet blanket” then she’s probably not worth your time anyway.

For all you ladies out there reading this and have the same question, I think it’s generally a good rule of thumb to wait until at least the 3rd or 4th date to sleep with someone.  I only say this because of the countless men I’ve talked to who agree that they lose interest in dating a girl if you sleep with him right away.  But, like I said earlier, everyone has a different view on this, and some guys may find it sexy that you have the confidence and sex drive to sleep with them right away.

Generally speaking, I think we all like a little bit of mystery and build-up.  If you wait a little bit longer, think of all the sexual tension you have built-up over the past couple/ multiple dates (sexy).  Regardless of what you all decide to do, just make sure that you feel comfortable (don’t give into pressure), use protection, and have sex because it’s what YOU want.

Hope this was helpful! I know this is a hot topic, so readers, please feel free to voice your opinions on the matter!



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