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May 20 2013
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The Bros

Alan

Ladies, get in line because I have a fantastic and fashionable new Bro for you today!  I met Alan at a friend’s PR firm’s launch party for Hall and Madden (very chic).  Alan is out-going, witty, and is extremely well put together.  He’s got a killer sense of humor and is always down to meet new people and experience new things.  He’s looking for a girl with a good sense of fashion (loves a girl in Madewell, but don’t we all?), has a good balance between being social and a home-body, and has an indie/ alternative vibe.  Alan is also looking for someone who is goofy and is driven to accomplish their goals.  Alan seems like quite the catch to me!   Ladies, check out his answers to the one and only NYAB questionnaire:

 

Name: Alan W.

Age: 27

Height: 5′ 9″

What Neighborhood in Chicago do you live in: Jefferson Park

Occupation: E-Commerce specialist (social media/web content generation and analysis)

Favorite Place You’ve Ever Visited: My grandparent’s home in Poland. It’s like living in a postcard.

Favorite Musician/ Band: J Dilla. The sheer simplicity of his songs, yet incredibly complex way he layers and chops his samples to make something unique out of older songs. He is the single person who made me want to make music.

Favorite Movie: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. John Hughes was a genius for this and he shared my taste in music. Great minds I tell you.

Favorite Sports Team: For now, I’ll say Blackhawks. In reality, I’m a sucker for anything Lacrosse on TV.

Ideal First Date: Simple: Start out with a neapolitan pizza (brick oven only) dinner, grab drinks and finish the night with dancing to soul music.

Favorite Bar or Restaurant in Chicago: Watershed. Elks Club Fizz anyone?

First Celebrity Crush: Leelee sobieski

Ideal Vacation Spot: Santorini, GR. The sunset alone is what will keep pulling me back. The pristine ocean, the caldera, fishing, and coffee with backgammon on the brick lined streets.

Boxers or Briefs or…: Or boxer-briefs!

Favorite Physical Feature on a Girl: Her smile, and eyes.

Drink of Choice: Rye whiskey on the rocks. I’m going to live dangerously and add the Elks Club fizz too.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?: Not even a question: the Green Lantern ring. Faster than light space travel, super strength, invisibility, you name it, it has it. If I had to pick only one it would be super speed though

Beach or Mountains?: Forever wigglin’ my toes in the sand

Beer Pong or Flip Cup?: FLIP CUP FOREVER.

What’s your signature dish that you cook?: I wish it was homemade neapolitan pizza but it is Grilled chicken grecian style with bacon wrapped asparagus.I can’t bake though.

Favorite 90′s T.V. Show: Doug. Nickelodeon was totally the jam.

Interesting Fact about Yourself: I was a Polish camp counselor for some time, and I have a fashion blog? I make beats, but I’m not ready to share them yet (since my hard drive crashed and I lost all my songs :( )

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What a cutie! Anyone down to challenge this bro at Flip Cup or listen to his beats? Ladies, hit your favorite lady bro up if you think Alan is your cup of tea or you think one of your girl friends would like to hang with him. E-mail me at notyouraverageladybro@gmail.com!

Connect with me on Twitter – @noturaveragebr0 – and like me on Facebook

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Apr 03 2013
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Dear Becca...

Sex On the First Date?

Dear Becca,

I feel these days we live in a society where kissing has become the new m/f handshake, we kind of take it for granted, nobody seems to enjoy just a nice make out session anymore and usually it leads straight to the bedroom. That being said, is sex on the first date acceptable? Can you still really be into someone after they lay it all on the table the first night? And what is the best way to tell someone that sex isn’t what you are immediately interested in, without sounding like a wet blanket.

Thanks,

Wanting to Wait Bro

 

Dear Wanting to Wait Bro,

This is a tough question because there is no right answer.  Everyone has their own rules about how long to wait before “going all the way”.  First of all, I could not agree with you more on your first point about taking kissing for granted.  I also find it so refreshing to hear a guy say that!  Kissing can be a wonderful and romantic thing.  I love it when I hear a friend talk to me about the beginning stages of a relationship, and they tell me how they made out “like high schoolers” at the end of the date, and that was it.  You can tell so much about the chemistry you have with someone just from kissing.  If you have bad kissing chemistry with someone, that can be very telling about the future of your intimate encounters.

However, it’s a different ball game once you bring sex into the picture.  When giving my pals advice on this, I always tell them to be sure that they’re ready to have sex, because once you bring sex into the picture, you can never go back to the making out like teenagers stage.  Once you start, it is expected that you will have sex after every date or every time you see each other.  If you’re ready for that, I say go for it (just make sure you use protection)!

I do not want to give a “yes” or “no” answer to your question about whether or not sex on the first date is acceptable because everyone is so different, and every first date is different.  A lot comes into play when thinking about this.  A first date with someone could mean in some cases that it is the first time that you are actually meeting this person in real life, or it could mean you’ve been friends or even make-out buddies for a while, and now you’re taking the next step and attempting to date each other.  I know people who have waited weeks or even months until sleeping with their current boyfriends/ girlfriends, and I also know people who have slept with their current bf/ gf on the first or second date.  All of these people have happy and healthy relationships, so I can’t say whether waiting or not waiting for sex had a major effect on the future of the relationship.

It sounds like from your question that you lose interest with someone after having sex in the first date.  It is important to recognize this about yourself.  If you go out with a girl, and she gives you the green light to have some sexy time, you can tell her that you want to wait a little longer.  Her ego may hurt a little bit because most girls have it ingrained in their brains that men always want and think about sex, and turning her down may make her assume you’re not interested.  It is very important that you communicate to her that you do want to sleep with her (very badly), but you are concerned that you are rushing things and want to take the time to get to know her before you have sex.  If you make it clear to her that you are sexually attracted to her, but you just want to wait a little bit longer before doing “it”, she should respond well.  If she guilt trips you about it or makes you feel like a “wet blanket” then she’s probably not worth your time anyway.

For all you ladies out there reading this and have the same question, I think it’s generally a good rule of thumb to wait until at least the 3rd or 4th date to sleep with someone.  I only say this because of the countless men I’ve talked to who agree that they lose interest in dating a girl if you sleep with him right away.  But, like I said earlier, everyone has a different view on this, and some guys may find it sexy that you have the confidence and sex drive to sleep with them right away.

Generally speaking, I think we all like a little bit of mystery and build-up.  If you wait a little bit longer, think of all the sexual tension you have built-up over the past couple/ multiple dates (sexy).  Regardless of what you all decide to do, just make sure that you feel comfortable (don’t give into pressure), use protection, and have sex because it’s what YOU want.

Hope this was helpful! I know this is a hot topic, so readers, please feel free to voice your opinions on the matter!

xoxo

Becca

E-mail me at notyouraverageladybro@gmail.com for more questions!

Connect with me on Twitter – @noturaveragebr0 – and check me out on Facebook!

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Mar 28 2013
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The Bros

Jack

I have a brand new Bro today for all you single, Chicago ladies out there!  Jack describes himself as being very patriotic, energetic, active, and a huge lover of baseball (Cubs fan for life!).  He has even played professional baseball around the country and the world for the past couple of years.  He told me that he’s now starting the next chapter of his life.  Jack is very interested in being active and weight-lifting, but he said he is definitely not a “meat head” or a “gym rat”.  He is looking for a smart, intellectual, and active lady.   His ideal first date would be taking you on a picnic in Millennium Park, preferably during the summer when there’s an outdoor concert going on, or going to a baseball game (he even told me that he’d be willing to go to a Sox game for the right girl!).  Ladies, if you’re lucky Jack may even show off his singing skills for you too!  Jack sounds like a home-run to me!  Ladies, now I’ll let this cutie speak for himself:

Name: Jack

Age: 26

Height: 6’0

What Neighborhood in Chicago do you live in: Beverly

Occupation: Naval officer to be (former pro baseball player)

Favorite Place You’ve Ever Visited: Rome, Brussels, Malibu

Favorite Musician/ Band: 311

Favorite Movie: Wizard of Oz

Favorite Sports Team: Cubs

Ideal First Date: Baseball game or summer picnic at Millennium Park

Favorite Bar or Restaurant in Chicago: Murphy’s Bleachers

First Celebrity Crush: Lori Loughhlin (Aunt Becky from Full House)

Ideal Vacation Spot: Dubai

Boxers or Briefs or…: Boxer Briefs

Favorite Physical Feature on a Girl: Hair, waist, and perfume.

Drink of Choice: Daisy Cutter, Dr. Pepper

If you could have any super-power, what would it be?: Flight, like everyone.

Beach or Mountains?: Mountains

Beer Pong or Flip Cup?: Slow drinking

What’s your signature dish that you cook?: Chocolate chip pancakes.

Favorite 90′s T.V. Show: Just one? Tough. That 70′s Show.

Interesting Fact about Yourself: I probably know more about American history than many with doctorates in the study.

Jack

Yum!  Who of you single ladies out there wants to go out with an American history buff who used to play professional baseball?  Jack seems to be the perfect “catch” (ha ha ha ha) for any Midwest lady.  Girls, hit me up if you’d like to learn more about Jack, would like to be set-up, or thinks that your friend would absolutely go ga-ga for him.  E-mail me at notyouraverageladybro@gmail.com!

Connect with me on Twitter – @noturaveragebr0 – and like me on Facebook

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Mar 27 2013
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Dear Becca...

The Girl Who is Constantly Rescheduling

Dear Becca,

I had a date scheduled last week with a girl I’ve traded  a few messages with online, but she had to cancel due to work reasons. She asked if we could reschedule for a day this week, but last night she messaged me again asking to reschedule. She was very apologetic, and I totally get that work stuff really isn’t under her control. But at the same time, I feel like I am somewhat weakened, or maybe seem a tad desperate, by repeatedly changing my schedule based on her availability. I really am interested in meeting and getting to know her, but at what point should I call it a day and move on? Part of me also thinks that if shes having such difficulty arranging to meet for a drink after 7pm, she might not have the time to really develop a relationship at all. Thoughts?

Cheers,
Rain Check Rob

 

Dear Rain Check Rob,

Scheduling a date seems to be a common problem in the online dating world.  I have talked to many other men and women who are dealing with the same issue that you are; their date keeps rescheduling due to their busy and unreliable schedule at work.  Normally, if a girl continues to cancel on you before your first meeting, I’d tell the guy to take that as a hint that she actually is no longer interested in dating you.  I don’t think this seems to be the case with your scenario since she is continuing to reach out to you and offering you another date to meet.

This is a difficult situation to evaluate because it seems to be out of her control, but at the same time, her crazy work schedule should not be continuing to effect your life and hurting your ego.  Each time she asks to reschedule, I can imagine part of you is losing interest.  It seems that week nights are an issue for her due to her career, so I would suggest to her meeting on the weekend instead.  I know usually in the online dating world we would rather schedule our dates on the week nights in order to save up our actual free time with our “real friends” for the weekends.  If you want to make dating a priority in your life, you should treat it as such and take her out on a Friday or Saturday night, or even for coffee or brunch during the day if you’re trying to save some cash.  You both have to compromise.

I can only imagine your frustration with the constant rescheduling to just meet her for the first time.  I don’t think it’s too skeptical for you to think that pursuing a relationship with her may be a waste of time if she can’t even schedule one date with you.  However, I do think that the first date may be hard to schedule BECAUSE she’s never met you, and may not feel like she owes you anything yet.  Once she meets you, and you dazzle her with your personality and charm, then she may not be as likely to keep rescheduling.   That being said, I think it is totally your decision whether or not you want to keep playing the rescheduling game or give up.  If it were me, I’d probably remain interested in meeting the person, but I would maybe take one or many eggs out of that basket.  Continue to pursue other ladies, and who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone else while you wait for this other girl to pencil you in.

While on the topic, it is important to realize that many people who are choosing to online date are doing it because they’re “too busy” to meet people the “normal way”.  It’s a tough predicament for people of our generation to be in.  Most people our age are making their career a priority over their love lives.  They are lazy when it comes to pursuing a match online and bringing it in person.  This topic brings me back to an earlier post I wrote about Millennials and online dating.  I think we are putting love and romance on the back-burner, and dates have turned into casual, week-night happy hours instead of something more intimate and well-thought out on a weekend.  Check out my article here: http://notyouraveragebro.com/2013/01/15/post-college-dating-for-millennials/

If you really want to meet her, try scheduling a date on the weekend if week nights are no good for her.  If that still is not working, then maybe put her on your back-burner as she has clearly done to you.   I honestly think that if both of you are dying to meet each other, you will meet.  As long as you both are not making meeting each other a top priority, it will never work out.  It is your call what the “last straw” of canceling will be.  As a message to all of us Millennials out there, if you’re going to be on an online dating site, you need to make sure you have time to not only message people on it, but also MEET THEM!  Isn’t that the point of online dating?  To eventually meet the person?  No one is too busy to fall in love, or at the very least put aside your real life to get a beer with someone who thinks you’re all that (and a bag of chips).   In typical Becca fashion, I’ll end with a pearl of wisdom.  Go for it, or get over it.

Hope this was helpful!

xoxo
Becca

E-mail me at notyouraverageladybro@gmail.com for more questions!

Connect with me on Twitter – @noturaveragebr0 – and like me on Facebook

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Mar 12 2013
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Dear Becca...

How to End a Casual Relationship

Dear Becca,

After going on 4 dates with a guy, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling romantically interested in him, despite feeling like we had a great time together.  I debated for a while how I would let him know–phase him out, text him, call him, or set another date to talk to him in person.  I opted for the text, as he had only reached out to me via text in the first place.  I didn’t want to set a date just to break up with him, and we weren’t at the point where I could just pop over and have a chat with him.  What are your thoughts on break-up etiquette in casual dating?  Is there a rule for how many dates warrant a type of breakup? 

From,

Not Interested Nadia

 

Dear Not Interested Nadia,

I think the “break up” route you took is absolutely the best way to go, especially if you two had most of your outside communication via text messaging.  Since you only went on four dates, I don’t think you needed to set up a time to meet him in person to end it.

I’m so glad you sent me this question, because I know so many people struggle with this issue.  How do you “break up” or end things with someone who you are casually dating?  There’s no definitive right answer, it honestly depends on the situation – such as how long you two went out for and if you have a lot of mutual friends.

It is my personal opinion that if you went out with someone more than three or four times, then officially “ending it” is the right way to go.  No one likes feeling flaked on or phased out.  I think most people would agree with me that we would rather someone just be honest with us then just never call again. It is important to close that chapter officially, so that neither party feels abandoned with unanswered questions.  Honesty is (almost) always the best policy in this situation.  Just sending a quick text message, like what you did, saying “I had a great time getting to know you, I just don’t think I see this going anywhere.  Take care.” or something along those lines is honest, polite, and to the point.  You don’t have to give a million excuses or lies.  My personal favorite is “I’m just too busy with work right now.”  If you’re interested in someone, then you will make time for them.  If someone says that to you, it’s a nice way of saying they’re just not that into you.  While the dumpee may be feeling a slight blow to the ego and embarrassed, he or she will ultimately appreciate your honesty and respect you more because of it.

However, if you’ve only gone on one or two dates, I don’t think you have to officially end things.  Hopefully not returning their calls or texts will be a big enough hint.  If you’re feeling ballsy, then tell them you’re not interested, but I do not think it’s totally necessary.  Although, it does get tricky when you get set up on a date by mutual friends.  Chances are you will probably see them again and hear about them again, so you definitely don’t want to burn any bridges or piss anyone off.  In this situation, I would definitely be honest and say you don’t see that person as more than a friend.

When you don’t officially close a chapter, you are leading someone on and giving them false hope.  Having been on both sides of this situation, being honest is ultimately the best route.  While it’s hard to hear that someone you’ve gone out with is not interested in pursuing a relationship with you, no one likes being phased out or flaked on.  Be an adult, be respectful, and be honest.

Hope that is helpful!  Again, everyone feel free to comment and give their opinion.

xoxo

Becca

E-mail me at notyouraverageladybro@gmail.com for more questions!

Connect with me on Twitter – @noturaveragebr0 - and like me on Facebook

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